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Here is a collection of my works.
Don't judge them too harshly. And don't steal them. Please?
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Trapped
1. Int. Dan's office. Day
An office, sun is out, out of the window you can see a city skyline. Dan is sat at his desk reading some notes. His secretary (Denise) walks in. Throughout this dialogue he never looks up from his paper. (Possibly an excuse to have the script on his desk)
Den:
Dan?
Dan:
Nope!
Den:
But you didn't hear what I was going to...
Dan:
Noooo way.
Den:
Dan? (Beat) Could I....
Dan:
No!
Den:
I mean it's not like I'm bad!
Dan:
Yes, Yes you are!
Den:
OK, What have I done?
Dan:
Well, let's see, you lost all my mail, shouted at three of my clients, accused them of touching you up, and then tried to cop off with them, you broke the water cooler and ran over my dog. All in all an A1 BBC employee!
Den:
Why do you keep me on then?
Dan:
I like you.... strangely
Den:
Awww! Thanks
Phone rings. Dan picks it up
Dan:
Hello, BBC, Dan Feldwood speaking. Right, Ok, yeah, look mum, I’m not a doctor……I’m a producer……look mum, please…(suddenly serious)woah, if I were you I’d staple it back on a abstain from sex for a couple of weeks.
During this we see Denise get his keys and walk off with them. Kitty, Dan’s ex, walks in, she is intensely attractive. There is an obvious tension between them during this.
Kitty: Denise said it was OK to come in.
Dan: (slowly) What do you want?
Kitty: I was just thinking, we split up quite quickly..
Dan: Yep.
Kitty: ahem, we never really sorted out our problems, what were they again?
Dan: I found you screwing someone else.
Kitty: Well...yeah..but...
Dan gets up from desk.
Dan: [After a pause] Well that was nice, we should...n't do this again sometime.
Walks over to door, pulls handle, the door doesn't open.
Dan: [Giggles] You're never going to believe this...
Kitty: (Hopefully) What?
Dan: The bloody door's jammed! {Beat} [Starts banging door] HELP! I'M LOCKED IN!!
Runs to desk
Dan: Where are my keys?……Shit!
cut to:
2. Int. Waiting Room. Day
Denise is stood at door.
Denise: OK! I'LL GO GET HELP! [Lifts up key] [Quietly] Fat chance. I always liked him when they were together.
Kisses key and runs off down the corridor
3. Int. Dan's Office. Day.
As before except Dan isn't banging.
Dan: She'll be back in ten minutes.
Time lapse
4. Int. Dan's office. Midday.
As before but now Dan is face to face with the door.
Dan: Just give her ten more minutes.
Kitty: Ring out! Use your phone.
Dan rushes to desk.
Dan: Funny...why didn't I think of that? [Picks up phone] Odd. It's dead..Everyones on half day..We're alone..In my office..{AS THIS IS SAID MUSIC SWELLS}..[Shouts] SHIT!
Kitty: Not that bad, look we're just gonna have to make the best of a bad situation..play a game?
Dan: [Pensive] I've got cocktail sticks in my drawer! How about I stick em in your fat head and we play Kerplunk?
Kitty looks away.
Dan: Sorry, your right..I've got a pack of cards in there..I feel like a game of Solitaire..oh ok..Snap..[Looks in drawer]..Oh God..errm right.. I..did.. have..to.. mail..order.. these.. out.. of a magazine..they're..they're..
Kitty: Pornographic?
Dan:..Yes. But no. Errm, that's not it..errm remember that night we took those..you know..pictures..well..oh sod it here's that ad..
Dan throws a magazine to Kitty. She reads..
Kitty: Sweaty palms incorporated invites you to buy our new His and Hers Personalised Pornographic Playing Cards, now your girlfriend can be on top of the queen of hearts whilst you can be all over the jack off spades...disgusting absolutely disgusting.
Dan: That's not all, I sent the wrong pictures..what I've got in my desk is a set of personalised pornographic playing cards from my mum's holiday!
Kitty bursts out laughing. Looks at cards in a multitude of funny angles, positions.
Kitty: Looks like she enjoyed herself![Beat] What have we got to eat?
Dan: Half a packet of Polo's, three half drunk bottles of beer and an..
Kitty: What?
Dan: Anniversary cake..for us..I bought it three days ago..before..you know.
Kitty smiles. Dan opens a drawer and looks in.
Dan: Oh, and a Vanilla Magic Tree.
Kitty: That's an air freshener not a food.
Dan: (Passively) Now you tell me.
Kitty: Can I have a Polo?
Dan: Yeah. Sure.
Kitty: Look, sit down, we'll be out of here in a few hours, lets just talk.
Dan: About what?
Kitty: I saw a good film last night, Das Boot. Bit claustrophobic but good.
Dan: Oh, I watched a documentary called Dykes.
Kitty: What was it about?
Dan: Lesbianism, and Amsterdam.
Kitty: Channel 4?
Dan: 5.
Kitty: Try shouting out of the window?
Dan: What? This window? Look...[Pulls curtain back on which the skyline had been painted, revealing a brick wall] The only people I could talk to are rapists, junkies and John Leslie. {BEAT} HELP HELP! I'm stuck in here!
No reply
Dan: Bugger.
Kitty: Oh just sit down. How was your day?
Dan: It's just begun.
Kitty: Oh, well..OK. I'll ask again in a few hours. Dan?
Dan: What?
Kitty: Look...I..think that the reason we broke up...was that...you...had issues..that needed resolving.
Dan: If had isssues! You had the bloody summer specials! All those little business trips, those times you nipped out to the shops for a bottle of milk, for GOD's SAKE Kitty! It doesn't take THREE HOURS to get a pint of milk! And what was your excuse? What did you say when you got back, with your dress on backwards and no underwear on? You said you'd got chatting to an old friend in the pub and you tried to ring home but your battery ran out just before the call connected!
Kitty: You believed it though.
Dan: YES! I believed it! For a day, but when I answered a phonecall on your mobile, from your "friend". They believed it was you for a bit! Then....(Stops)
Kitty: What did she say?
Dan: It wasn't what she said it was the fact that it was a SHE!...Anyway...how is she?
Kitty: She died. Hit by a car.
Dan: Oh, I'm, sorry.
Kitty: I'm not I was driving! Caught her in bed with another woman.
Dan: Bit immoral innit.
Kitty: Yeah, she was dog ugly!
Dan: No I meant killing her.
Kitty: Oh, well yeah, now that you mention it, it is kind of.
Dan: How did you avoid prosecution?
Kitty: Slept with the investigating officer.
Dan: Oh. How long are we going to be here?
Kitty: I don't know.
Dan: It was a rhetorical question.
Kitty: Oh. I answered rhetorically then.
Dan sighs. Puts his head on the desk and falls asleep. Kitty looks up. Walks over to him. Picks him up. Drags him over to the corner, lies him on the floor, she lies next to him and drapes his arm over her and goes to sleep.
Fade to:
7. Black cyc.
CAPTION: THREE HOURS LATER.
8. Int. Dan's Office. Afternoon.
As before. Dan awakens. He yawns. Looks around sees where he is and is shocked. He looks over at the three half open bottles of beer in. Clutches his head and screams silently into his hands. Kitty awakens. Dan bolts upright, and stumbles away backwards.
Kitty: Hi! Dan.
Dan: (Shakily) Hello?....What have we done?
Kitty: Nothing.
Dan: So I woke up in your arms for nothing then.
Kitty: Oh that!
Dan: Yes THAT!
Kitty: You were drunk.
Dan: Drunk [looks at watch]. We've been here four hours! I've been asleep three!
Kitty: Yes but, in that remaining hour you drank...a lot!
Dan: A bottle and a half of beer?
Kitty: You always were a lightweight.
Dan: A lightweight, not a fucking featherweight.
Kitty: No need to swear.
Dan: There's every pissing need to fucking swear. I'm locked in my own office with my ex-girlfriend, who's trying to convince me that I've slept with her after drinking a bottle and a half of beer in an hour!
Phone rings. Dan runs over to the phone picks it up.
Dan: Fuck! It's automated!
Puts phone down after a bit.
Dan (Poorly mimicking an automated line): It has become apparent to us that your phone line was disconnected, we are working on reconnecting you, your service should be renewed within the hour.
They laugh and cheer loudly, jumping around the room, they get close and end up in each other's arms, they stare at each other, Dan leans in for a kiss, she obliges. They jump away from each other. They stare in total shock at each other.
Kitty: What now?
Dan: We do it again.....but don't tell anyone.
They kiss again. They remain in each other's arms.
Dan: Friends.
Kitty: Mates.
Phone rings.
Dan: That was frigging fast.
Picks up the phone.
Ok. Thanks.
He puts the phone down.
Dan (To Kitty): I love you...but in a friendly way.
Kitty: I know.
Dan picks up the phone, dials. Kitty hangs up.
Dan: I'm just ringing out, get help.
Kitty: But what if we meant to be more than friends, you know, maybe it's in the stars but, when I first met you, I felt a connection unlike anything I’d ever had with anyone before, ever. I believe life is foretold in the heavens, like there's no escaping what's meant to be. If it's meant to happen then it's meant to happen, nothing can stop it. Come back to me...please, Dan...come back.
Dan: I'd rather stay friends.
Kitty: Me too actually.
They hug.
The End
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Trapped
(A Tarantino-esque dialogue about sexism by Adam Almond)
Two men sit in a café. They have coffee’s and are both smoking. The first man, John looks like a Romeo, possibly a policeman, he has a cocky manner about him. If I were to compare him with another character from a film it would be Mr. Blonde from “Reservoir Dogs” and the second man, Andy, is more reminiscent of Mr. Orange from the same film. A waitress walks past.
John: You see that waitress?
Andy: Yeah?
John: Waddya think?
Andy: (Shrugs) It’s a woman. [Silence] What do you mean?
John: What are you a fucking pouff? You know exactly what I mean! Would you
screw her?
Andy: No.
John: Now I know you’re fucking queer!
Andy: I’m not gay!
John: Nancy!
Andy: Is that her name?
John: No, I’m calling you a nancy! You fucking fag!
Andy: Yeah, well I’m not gay. Ok?
John: Ok, so you’re straight, but and here’s the biggest “but” I’ve ever said, but, you wouldn’t fuck…what’s her name?
Andy: I don’t know.
John: It’s irrelevant anyway. So you…
Andy: Why’s it irrelevant?
John: What?
Andy: Why is here name irrelevant?
John: Well you know because…
Andy: Well if you’re going to fuck her then the least you should know is her goddamned name!
John: (decisively) Not so…
Andy: What?
John: The least you should know is if she’s HIV or not.
Andy: Oh right, well that’s just…use a condom for christ’s sake! And by the way, learn her fucking name! Because when the moment come when….well you do, you don’t want to be the one yelling, bearing in mind this will be at the peak of sexual ecstasy, you don’t want to be the one yelling “Have I got AIDs?”, you want to be yelling, “Nancy” or whatever her name turns out to be. Not anyone else’s.
John: Anyway, what I was saying was, you say you’re straight.
Andy: Yeah.
John: But, you wouldn’t take, possibly, miss fucking America over there and part her beef curtains, for ten minutes of hot sticky sweet conscienceless sex?
Andy: No.
John: Why not?
Andy: Boyfriend.
John: What she’s got one or you have?
Andy: She’s got one. I think.
John: How dya know?
Andy: Someone that attractive has got to have someone. It’s an unwritten law.
John: Not necessarily.
Andy: Yes, true! Every girl I have asked has said. ‘I’m sorry but I have a boyfriend’.
John: You need to get to a singles bar.
Andy: Been to one.
John: What happened?
Andy: It was a gay singles bar.
John: Told you, you bat for the other team!
Andy: Hey it was a fucking accident Ok!
John: Did you pull?
Andy: Fuck you!
John: You want to fuck me?
Andy: Up yours arsehole.
John: What here? (Laughs)
Andy: Shut the fuck up!
John: Jesus! I was just joking!
Andy: Yeah, well it wasn’t funny! [Beat] So…would you fuck her?
John: Yeah.
Andy: Even if she had a boyfriend?
John: Yeah. He can’t be all that is that arse is as tight as it looks!
Andy: (in disgust) Fuck!
John: What?
Andy: How long’s it been since you last had sex?
John: A week.
Andy: A week? And you’re that horny? That you’d fuck someone up the arse, not knowing if they already had a boy friend?
John: I’m not horny. Horny is a word seventeen year olds use. I am ready.
Andy: Ready? So you could take her in the back and fuck her right now?
John: Yeah.
Andy: And you would need any of your “special help” like your…
John: HEY! I told you that in confidence.
Andy: Ok. Mum’s the word.
John: Shut the fuck up! Put me right off!
Andy: Put you off? You weren’t going to get her anyway! So…
John: Yeah?
Andy: Yeah!
John: Prove it.
Andy: Prove what?
John: Prove that a) she’s got a boyfriend and b) if she would screw me regardless.
Andy: What? Do you just expect me to just ask?
John: Yeah!
Andy: (Imitating) Err, miss, can I have two coffees? Oh and by the way have you got a boyfriend? Even if you have, my friend here would like to strip you naked, take you through to the back and fuck three ways from Sunday! What do you reckon?
John: You don’t have to order coffee.
Andy: You’re weird. We’re leaving, before you start wanking. Waitress!?!
Waitress walks over.
Jenna: My name’s Jenna, not that you’re arsed! You want the bill, yeah? Ok. So, just wait a minute. Oh by the way I heard you conversation. For your information, I don’t have a boyfriend, my arse is perfectly tight because a) no male organ has been up there and I run a yoga class. Incidentally, I think that your conversation was bordering on the perverse…no, it was so fucking past perverse, I wouldn’t mind taking a shotgun and blowing a hole into your sick, twisted heads! And I’m a pacifist! Furthermore, the adolescent attitude you both display towards the opposite sex, should have left you when you hit twenty. But clearly you were brought up in a world where Loaded, Rustler and Jack and the kind are all required reading on the “TWAT’s” course at the “University of Life” that you both will claim to be “educated” at in twenty years time. By the way, in answer to your second question, no, I wouldn’t fuck you, as there is yet another alternative you have yet consider.
John: What?
Jenna: You focused so much on your friend’s sexuality, it never crossed your mind to question mine. Maybe it’s because I’m as attractive as I am, that you can’t see past the stereotype of my chosen sexuality. Or maybe it’s because “She can’t be. Because I want her over here sitting on my prick!” By the way, as you’re male, I guess I’ll have to explain, I’m a lesbian! [Beat] Four coffees, that’s four pound eighty please. [They pay] Thank you.
Andy: Should we tip her?
The End
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